Your Stories - Worry, worry, worry

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This story mentions post-natal depression please read with caution.

Worry, worry, worry - Christelle Madlon

I was already worried when you were only a few centimetres long...Was I eating the right thing? What was the flutter I just felt in my belly? First Ultrasound, holding my breath before I could hear your heartbeat...
What bed is the best for a newborn? 
Is breastfeeding the best? Then I will breastfeed my baby.
I would only do what was best for you..... 

I was worried I wouldn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know if I would know how to carry you, care for you. They all said it's ok, you'll know what to do don't worry about it.  But I didn't know...
First night at the hospital, asleep, I didn't know that the baby crying was you.
I didn't know how to hold you correctly so you could feed. You were so little and I was so scared to hurt you. Look at Daddy, he's a natural... why can't I be like him?. I felt like I was failing as a mother, I was failing you, I was failing my family. I couldn't even be a mom. I didn't know how to be your mum. 

I was so tired, but you would not stop crying. They say you're hungry but I can't do it anymore. I tried, I did my best but you wanted more and more...
I was failing you again. I can see the way they look at me, I'm not good at this. They're judging me, but I will not give up. They said it was hard and I don't want to give up. It's the best for you... but I'm so tired...
If only I could sleep... but I can't sleep... ever since you arrived I just can't sleep... it's like I have forgotten how to sleep! They look at me as if I'm out of my mind... Am I crazy? Maybe I am... I am not myself and I don't understand what's happening to me. Somebody, help me! 

They said it's PND. I just want them to fix my sleep. But doesn't seem like they can, but I'm so tired... Daddy and Granny will take care of you they are so good at it, you'll be fine. Doesn't look like you like me very much anyway... 

It got better, I had therapy. I just wanted you to have the best and was worried you would not have the best with me. I didn't want to make a mistake, I'm your mum, I don't want to mess you up!
The lady said that I will make mistakes but if I do my best it's all you need.
We started to learn to know each other, I think you like me now.... what's sure is I love you.
I still worry all the time, even 7 years later.
And when I shout or I am a bit rough it's just because I worry and the worries become bigger than I can fit in my heart.
But what it really means is I love you and I want the best for you. I just want to be the mum you deserve.